Dear God, I am an idiot.

I am pretty sure You know this already because You made me and You know everything, but in case You don’t, I have something to tell You. I am an idiot. I realize this is not shocking information. This “profound” revelation has come after some self reflection, a little Facebook stalking, and the fact that’s it 2 am. Allow me to elaborate.

Long ago, I thought I found the perfect Christian boy for me. I had developed a major crush on what I thought was the poster child for Christ following males. But as I have grown, I learned that while claiming Your name to the masses he didn’t actually put it into practice. At the time I wanted nothing more than to live happily ever after with said boy. I was so disappointed with You when our romance, that was all in my imagination, didn’t take off. But now I know, I am an idiot.
Thank You. Thank You for saying no. Thank You for being a good father and setting boundaries. Thank you for saving me from what I thought was best for me. You have said no to the majors that were wrong for the path You have placed me. And more importantly for the “future husbands” I picked out for myself. Thank You for having my back and keeping me in Your will. I love You. 

Prayer Journal VII

I am tired. I miss You. I am overwhelmed. I am stressed. I don’t put You first. I sin. I make mistakes. I slip up. I fall and stay laying down. 

  I always seem to find a reason that I am just to busy or stressed for You. I feel pulled in different directions. I feel stress. I need You to refocus me. Help me find You in my daily life, in every moment to see You and seek You.

I pray that You give me the eyes to see those who are hurting this time of year. I pray that You allow me to be sensitive to the needs of those around me.

I am self-centered when I should be God-centered. Open my eyes when I allow sin to creep into my life. I give myself to You so that You can use me to reach others.

I whine that I am overwhelmed  and even when You have the whole world to take care of yet, You still listen to my whining. You make me feel cared about even when I know I am so small. You take the time to hear me and let me know I am heard. I pray that You help me make Your word the permanent resident of the front of my mind. Thank You for hearing me, I love You. 

Confessions

I am about to say something that Christian society says I shouldn’t say. This past week I have been depressed. I know everything is supposed to be all sparkles and glitter when you love Jesus but, sometimes that’s not how it is.  Yes, the cause of my depression is a guy and experiencing my first real heart break. But it has been an interesting learning experience.
So how do you deal with hurt? How do you combat sadness? I wish, I knew. All I know is that God has me in His hands. At the end of the day, I know I am loved and I am His princess.
I know, You know, how I feel. I know You know my pain. You understand even when I don’t. I rest in the fact that You know how my story will end. I thought this was Your will and I tried to make the best decision. But sorrow only last for the night and You always bring new joy. As easy as it is to be depressed and as good as I thought this was, what You have for me is even greater. I pray You continue to make me the woman You want me to be. I love You.

Prayer Journal VI

You are the reason I have life. The reason I rise in the morning, You and You alone. When I can not go on and am filled with fear You carry me forward. When stress overwhelms me it is Your face I seek. You are the only one who can give life.

I am dead in sin. Needing to be revived, brought back to life. And it is only You that gives the breath of life. Its only You that can heal my soul and still my fears. I chose to find peace in You, instead of worry in the world.

The world will change, always, and it will try to destroy me. But You, You don’t change. Death cannot get to me because of you. Nothing can harm me, NOTHING! I am Yours only. You make me holy, when I am unholy. You restore me, when I don’t deserve to be redeemed. You take the time to find me. Find me when I try to hide and You show me that You know me and know where I am.

Because You are the very reason for my being. I will worship You. I will spend time just loving You. It is the only way I can thank You and that is not even close to enough. Its only You. You are my strength.  I love You.

“It’s Your breath in our lungs

So we pour out our praise

We pour out our praise

It’s Your breath in our lungs

So we pour out our praise

To You only”

Prayer Journal V

There is so much hurt and pain in the world. It makes people lose sight of You. I want to help. I want to fix the problems! I want to show them who You are! But their hurt blinds them from You.
You love them. All of them. Even the ones no one seems to love. You are there by their side. How do I show them You and your love?
You set me free! You removed the root, the desire to sin. You took my out of my prison and made me whole. You restored me. You revived what was dead and buried. Through you I am new.
I speak life to the dead, hope to the desperate, peace to the trouble, and healing to the broken in Your name. For Your glory show others Your light in me. Give me the words to speak. I love You.

Thoughts in My Head

I make mistakes. I make bad choices. I do wrong. I sin. I look squarely into the face of the one I love and chose to hurt Him. His love is what makes my sin so awful. Because he loved me, he died for me, and I chose to throw it in His face and sin.

I am so sorry. I understand now why You put that in Your word. I want to be holy. I want to be Yours. But I fail. I made a mistake. Then I got scared. But You were still there even when I felt alone. For Your love removes all the fear I have and replaced it with peace. You made everything ok.

I have never once come to God and he has rejected me. His church has at times and His people, but never Him. His love is always there no matter what I do. I think that is what makes sin so easy, it is the knowledge that He is always going to be there. But at the same time it is a comfort to know I can always come to Him. In 1 John 4:17-18 it says,

“God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. (MSG)”

Why is this important? Because even though I sin and make awful horrible mistakes I have no fear. I have no fear because He loves me. I know I will have to come to Him and ask for his forgiveness, but I know it will always be there. I have no fear of this world, of the harm Satan tries to bring to me, or of any life situation. I do not have to fear anything, ever for I am loved.

Posting Prayer

 

College professors have a lot of influence over the students that sit in their class rooms. Even in the simplest things they do and say can change a student’s life. I have had many professors who I feel have made an impact on my life. I think this maybe one of the perks of attending a Christian university. One of those professors changed my entire view on my relationship with God in about two minutes a class period.

I was in my second semester of my first year at college. I was going through one of the most difficult and painful times I have had in my life thus far. The semester before I had been awarded one of the Outstanding Freshman English Student certificates and in this class, Rhetoric and Research, I failed my first paper. This is just to give you an idea of how trying this time was. I was struggling personally, spiritually, and had at this point not yet been diagnosed with dyslexia. The stress I was encountering was the cause of some poor academic performances.

Rhetoric and Research was a very important class for me. While I did learn to conquer my public speaking fear in that class, the most important lesson I learned was not part of the lesson plan. Dr. Adams would start the class off with prayer, which is the norm at my university, but it was how he prayed and that affected me. It was the first time I had ever heard someone address God in a truly honest and personal matter. I remember one of his prayers going something like this, “God we are tired and the semester is just getting started. We are struggling and not sure how we are going to survive. Give us strength. Amen.”  Maybe it was the way he prayed or just the peace I would feel in those two minutes of prayer, but his simple honesty changed me.

Prayer is powerful on its own. But how you relate to God, how you speak to Him, has the power to affect someone. It has the power to change how they perceive the Creator of the universe. I am not a theologian, not an amazing writer, or even a great Christian. I am just a sinner trying to reach Heaven, a princess trying to speak to her King. But if one person’s two minutes of prayer could change my life, maybe my prayers could change someone else’s. Let someone benefit from your conversation with God, even if it is painful for you. So pray out loud! Type your prayers, text your prayers, shout your prayers, and post your prayers.