Teepee of depression

It’s no secret that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. I talk about it alot. One of the side effects PCOS is mental illness; such as depression and anxiety. This week for some reason has been a hard one as far as my mental health. I am battling depression this week. I couldn’t make myself go to some of my classes. I feel a deep ache for no reason. I have no desire to do anything. Pain and fear, fear and pain. I get so overwhelmed I lay on the floor sobbing. I know logically this comes from my imbalanced hormones. I have a teepee of depression surrounding me. It comes out of nowhere and decides to set up camp. I was mentally wrestling with God about this. “God I am supposed to have a hedge of protection around me how can you let this teepee of depression surround me.” And like He does he speaks to my spirit: A teepee is temporary. A hedge has roots and will last. And even in the depression you are still surround by Me. Even if you can’t see it.

Dear God, I am an idiot.

I am pretty sure You know this already because You made me and You know everything, but in case You don’t, I have something to tell You. I am an idiot. I realize this is not shocking information. This “profound” revelation has come after some self reflection, a little Facebook stalking, and the fact that’s it 2 am. Allow me to elaborate.

Long ago, I thought I found the perfect Christian boy for me. I had developed a major crush on what I thought was the poster child for Christ following males. But as I have grown, I learned that while claiming Your name to the masses he didn’t actually put it into practice. At the time I wanted nothing more than to live happily ever after with said boy. I was so disappointed with You when our romance, that was all in my imagination, didn’t take off. But now I know, I am an idiot.
Thank You. Thank You for saying no. Thank You for being a good father and setting boundaries. Thank you for saving me from what I thought was best for me. You have said no to the majors that were wrong for the path You have placed me. And more importantly for the “future husbands” I picked out for myself. Thank You for having my back and keeping me in Your will. I love You. 

Perfection

It is really easy for me to see why people turn from God. People, claiming to be following the spirit, frequently maliciously inflict pain on those around them.

If it hurts someone is it of God?
If it breaks their spirit is it of God?
If it chases them away instead of drawing them to Him is it of God?

It is easy to use the pain that “God’s people” deliver as an excuse to turn your back on Him. But we must life our eyes from the people of the world to only see Him. In Him we find love and not condemnation. We know that pain is a temporary state and that in Him we are perfection.

No Make-Up

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With make-up and without

I love make-up. No. I really love make-up. My personal philosophy when it comes to cosmetics is, “if it looks like you are not wearing make-up you are doing it wrong.” Make-up is defined as, “cosmetics such as lipstick or powder applied to the face, used to enhance or alter the appearance.”  My make-up style tends to lean more to the Kim Kardashian side of things. I look pretty different without it.

As a woman I have been told my entire life to find a man who, “Loves me without my make-up.” Because make-up is used to enhance and alter a persons looks this statement is implying that you should find someone who accepts you, even your flaws. I think it is universal that we all wanted be accepted for who we are as people. Here is my struggle. I want to come to God with my make-up on.

I can accept that another imperfect human should love me even though I am flawed. I just have a hard time coming to God with the mess that is so often my life. I want to “pretty” my spiritual life up before I come to God. An example of this is when I attended church. I have a hard time letting go in during the worship service because, I have not lived a particularly holy life that week.

But I am so wrong. God looks at the mess of my life and sees perfect beauty. He knows that our lives would look better with more Jesus in them but, He loves us any way. In Mark 2:17 Jesus used a different example He said,”Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? I’m here inviting the sin-sick, not the spiritually-fit,” (MSG). God does not want us to feel judged and shame. That is not what He came to do.

“For God did not send the Son into the world in order to judge (to reject, to condemn, to pass sentence on) the world, but that the world might find salvation and be made safe and sound through Him.” John 3:17 (AMP)

You are loved with out make-up on your life by the one who knew what you looked like to begin with. Let Him accept you.

Welcome to my Boat

One of my best friends, Amanda, and I somehow end up having deep discussions about life in the car. No, not while we are driving together, but parked in a parking lot somewhere. These conversations always take place late at night. We are convinced that we will not only solve all of our own problems, but at some point the world’s problems too. The solution for world hunger will come out of one our late night car talks, mark my words.

It was in one of these talks that a phrase popped into my mind, “you cannot invite someone into your lifeboat, in hopes of saving them, if your lifeboat is full of holes.” Let me expand upon this idea a little more for you. Watching someone struggle with sin, addiction, or just life can be hard. It is common when you see someone struggling that you want to “save them,” especially, if you care about this person. I am someone who feels empathy deeply so it is really hard from me to not be able to fix everyone. However, if you are struggling with sin yourself and you are trying to pull someone out of sin the chances are you will both end up “sinking” into sin.

The Bible talks about this in Proverbs 12:26 “The godly give good advice to their friends; the wicked lead them astray.” (NLT) Most of the time this verse is used to convey the importance of having godly friends. But it can also emphasis that it should be necessary that we check ourselves before giving advice, so that we do not lead someone astray.  I do not ever want my sin to be a hazard of to someone else.

Set my heart on You. Give me tunnel vision for only You. Keep me from evil and help me not to cause others to fall because of me.

The greatest love story ever.

As someone as obsessed with Disney as I am it would be easy for you to assume that some fairy tale is what I would call the greatest love story. But you would be wrong. The story of the prophet Hosea is one that truly shakes me to my core. In Hosea chapter 1 verse 2 it says, “The first time God spoke to Hosea he said: ‘Find a whore and marry her. Make this whore the mother of your children.”’ Kinda shocking for Sunday school right?
So Hoses does what God tells him and marries and has children with a prostitute. Gomer (that was the name of the prostitute. What a lovely name for a girl!) keep returning to her life of how shall we say “extracurricular activities”. Time after time Hosea went back to the seedy part of town to get his harlot wife Gomer, and bring her back home. In my mind I see her as a prostitute boomerang. Ever time he brought her home back she would go.
It is really easy to wonder why on earth someone would love a hooker, who even when removed from evil, keep going back. Take a moment and think about the last time you sinned. I don’t know about you but I sin a lot. A. LOT. I keep going back to evil.
But here is the truly amazing thing. God always comes after me like Hoses. Always. He still loves me with a fierce passion. He will always find me in the darkest of places and bring me home.  Happy Valentines day.
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,  neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

Recognize

One of the first things you will notice about me is that I am a momma’s girl. This is a key piece of information for my little story. I was sitting in the library between classes working on homework when suddenly my ears perked up. Out of my homework stupor I heard a sound that was familiar to me. A cough. Not just any cough but my momma’s. The following conversation took place:

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This library has three stories and many sections. I was not listening for my mom. I was not even thinking about her (Sorry Mommy). But I knew that sound well enough to recognize it. To know without a doubt that is was her.

When God speaks do you recognize His voice? The word Recognize is defined as: identify (someone or something) from having encountered them before; know again. The only way to recognize God’s voice is to have encountered Him. We cannot recognize what we have never known to begin with.

“Jesus answered, “I told you, but you don’t believe. Everything I have done has been authorized by my Father, actions that speak louder than words. You don’t believe because you’re not my sheep. My sheep recognize my voice. I know them, and they follow me. I give them real and eternal life. They are protected from the Destroyer for good. No one can steal them from out of my hand. The Father who put them under my care is so much greater than the Destroyer and Thief. No one could ever get them away from him. I and the Father are one heart and mind.” John 10:25-30 (MSG)